Lilith

In the dimmed past the word "girl" is used to describe both female and male children.  Ever since I've known this I wonder why the word use changes, what original reality the word's concept symbolizes.  It could imply that all people at one time are hermaphrodites.  It could also mean that there is a time when all children are female.

There are women who use the word "womon" to indicate the relationship between woman and the moon.  The nature of that ancient relationship is stolen from us.  Some of us continue to work to recreate myths from the few remaining fragments.  The usage of "women", disconnects us from the moon, notably originates  in the myth of Adam and Eve.  Eve is said to come, not from the moon, but from the rib of Adam.  The archetype underscores the misogynistic arrogance of relegating a woman to a part, a fraction of a man, thereby establishing our relegated role in the patriarchy.

My mother once takes on one of the uncles (married into the family) who is a far right Christian and a rabid sexist.  He makes the mistake of saying to my mother that Eve is made from Adam to serve him and, by genealogical extrapolation, all women are created to serve men.  At which point mother takes umbrage and sticks him with the point that Eve comes from Adam's rib, not his foot, not his head but from his side thereby creating woman equal in stature to him as a partner.  Of course being her daughter and her legacy, I have to go further with the thinking.

When re-viewing what we are told, I look to the part of the story that disappears from the telling.  There's the fragment about Lilith who exists before Adam or Eve and actually is equal in status to God.  Eve is so inspired by Lilith that she deigns to eat an apple of wiccan knowledge.  When the story part destined to become a lie is added that Eve is created from the rib of Adam and thereby less than he is, Lilith leaves the Garden of Eden by her own will.  She realizes that the menage-a-trois of two patriarchs and one woman is going to lead to absolutely no good.

She leaves Eve with her freedom to choose, to stay or go.  Eve stays hoping that she can change things.  She needs all her wits about her so she eats from the Tree of Knowledge.  God gets angry, Adam wimps out.  Even so, Eve decides to go with Adam.  I don't understand why she would miss the opportunity to go off in search of Lilith.  The fragmentation begins with that separation.

Wemoon are separated from our ancestry, stories, cultural heratage; we are separated from our past as Lilith and Eve are separated from each other in the myth.  I suppose in part I don't understand Eve's choice because I'm a lesbian woman/womon.  By connotation lesbians are driven from the whole of womon, defined in such a way as to imply that because I am sexual with women, that I am more man than woman.  There is another trick of patriarchal language.  Nowhere in the word lesbian is there any indication that we are connected with women, that we are wemoon, womon connected originally with the moon and Lilith.

Words change intentionally to reflect the structural reality of the world.  Language has the power of symbolic magic which is probably why the Bible's creation myth has Adam obsessively naming everything.  It symbolizes his "power over" all other creatures including women.  Yet his is a false power because no man has yet figured out how to obliterate our true origin.  The memories are carried in our blood even if the genes have gotten screwed up somewhat.  Now, there are girls and boys rather than just girls.

A lesbian is still a woman and a woman is still connected with the moon which has the power to move oceans, influence the people, to hold and reflect the great light of the sun.  If we remember our origin we will discover the knowledge.  With that knowledge we'll become whole, the Garden will be restored and Lilith will return.

Nothing

I’m stuck terribly stuck this month because there’s much to write about that I don’t want to write about because these are things that I’ve been writing about,  about which much has been written and about which I really wish to say nothing more ever again.

When I say that I’m a bit tired of being called “princess” by a guy who’s flirting with me, a guy responds: oh he always calls everyone princess.   Well no actually he doesn’t call the guys princess; he doesn’t even call them prince.  When a guy passes by me and puts his hands on my shoulders and even though he isn’t being salacious, he is in part doing this because I’m a woman.  He doesn’t do this with men.

When  I wander aimlessly in a store, staff seem to have been instructed to sort out the genders of customers even though it’s not necessary to genderize to assist me to find an item.   There is an insistent persistence to genderize.  Yet, even though humanity has done this for some time, the length of practice hasn’t improved discernment.    At least half the time, I am called “sir”. I’d like to shout:  don’t call me “sir”! It’s a bit aggravating because I rather like being a woman.

Oh there seems to be the good old days when women wear skirts and men wear pants even though we all know there are many exceptions to these presumptions based on costuming even in the old days.  Even though one notes the exceptions and exemptions such as drag queens, geishas, Joan of Arc, Amazons – there have been whole eras when there is some confidence  in genderizing even though the necessity for doing so has never been clear. Apparently lesbian is not a category of gender.

It’s amazing how people inquire about being a lesbian while deftly avoiding having to say the word.  It’s almost as if people expect to be turned to stone if they use the word.  On the other hand there are those who use the word without comprehension, perhaps attempting to be kool without having response-ability to reality.  There’s the recurring use of “he/she/it is so gay” and the  emerging use of the phrase “honorary lesbian”.

The other day I’m asked:  when did I know.   (Note that lesbian is missing from the question.)  I am fifty-nine, out for three and a half decades; and it’s been a very long time since I’ve been asked that question.  As many times as I’ve been asked that question, I still don’t understand its relevance.  It’s really only relevant that I am and I know that I am a lesbian.

The more salient consideration for me is that I know and am so.  With so many signs, sign posts, instructions, propaganda, pictures, words, costumes, accessories constructed to establish gender and the roles thereby defined, I still manage to be my own woman and manage to discover that I’m lesbian.  When I come out there aren’t even many books on the subject;  Ellen de Generes isn’t born yet.

The other part of the conversation being deftly avoided is that the people who ask never once question the why of not being a lesbian.   They don’t ask; they don’t tell.  Sometimes I want to say, even though it may be deliciously impolite,  that it’s a lack of strong character on their parts and in their weakness they cave to the prevalent peer pressure.

I don’t.  I keep writing repetitiously snippits and tidbits here and there, suffer being called “sir”.  I still don’t cave to peer pressure.  I’m raised in the same kind of family found commonly in the country.  I go to the same schools, grow up eating hot dogs in white buns.  My beaded hospital baby bracelet is pink like other girl’s in the forties, I still grow up to be a lesbian who says that as many times as I have to even though it’s a word that gets stuck in the throat and often seems awkwardly said like it has way more syllables than it does.  The gender of the word lesbian is feminine.  No matter the gender roles, genderization isn’t working to keep some women stuck in place.